Fitness Saves The World, is the advice column I’ve been talking about for quite sometime now. In this debut episode you’ll learn about my co-host, Elle, and we’ll answer questions about socially awkward virgins, if size matters, whether or not it’s cool for couples to have friends of the opposite sex, and a few other subjects that our answers to will probably end up saving your life.
If you guys have a question, literally about anything, leave it in the comment section or send it on over to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Let’s get it.
Caliber: Greetings, all. And welcome to the first episode of…well, there’s no title just yet. I was gonna go with Loveline, but, apparently that’s taken? I’m always a day late. Anyway, this column is for anyone in need of some advice, or just needing to talk. Whatever. I’m sure you’re asking yourself “What on Earth qualifies you to help or offer advice, Caliber? Other than being built like a Greek God and the looks of 10 movie stars?” First of all, thanks for the compliments. Second, I’ve just always liked helping people, and with a lot of reading, research, and life experience I’ve become pretty good at helping people with their problems. Beyond that, I’ve been obsessed with the world of fitness going on almost a decade now. Anything from weight loss, weight gain, nutrition, Crossfit, Powerlifting, Bodybuilding, you name it. Now, as for my co-host, Elle, the love of my life, despite her constant refusal of my advancements, I’ll let her tell you a little about herself…
Elle: I’m an RN with 15 years experience, & a lover of all aspects of the machine that is the human body. I enjoy roller derby, scuba, literature, the night, and all things macabre. What’s on the plate?
Caliber: First up is a question from a cat who asked to be called Steve. Which is funny, because if his real name were Stan or something, I sincerely doubt anyone would go “Oh, Stan, saw you on geeks fitness, shame shame…”. Oh, and I won’t fix your guys’ spelling & grammar, so, run that spell check, baby.
“Hello Mr. Winfield! I like the MME a lot, keeps me from having to work to much on Sunday morning. So, my question is kind of a long one, kind of weird maybe. I’m 38 and a virgin which is pretty embarassing to be honest. I had a girlfriend in high school but it was only for a couple months and not much since then. the older I get the more embarassed I become and the less I want to approach women, you know? I’d say im averege looking with an averege build and all. i’ve just always been shy and always been into dorky stuff like Star Wars, toy collecting, video games and other stuff thats chick repellant. i guess what im asking is what should I do? Am I weird? It freaks me out, honestly, because i feel like i’m missing a big part of life.”
Certainly not a question that can be answered in a sentence, but a damn good one, pretty solid for the first out of the gate. How say you, Elle?
Elle: First of all, being a geek does NOT make you “chicken repellant”. I ADORE geeks and nerds!! I would guess that your hobbies keep you in mostly male groups or at home often, is that the case? Because you can’t meet the girl of your dreams if you aren’t out where you can meet girls, period. I’m not suggesting bars or clubs – not my style either. But I a suggesting you spend more time visible, because geeky and/or nerds girls exist (take me for instance), and they are having the same problems! Conventions, libraries, book stores, specialty shops for your hobbies…those are all potential spots to meet your One. The bottom line is that you have to believe in you and get out of the house. The rest will come.
Chick* not chicken**
Caliber: Yeah, him lamenting about not finding the chicken of his dreams would be an entirely different story.
Well, isn’t the number of couples like, 30-50% that are meeting online these days? I say you wouldn’t even need to leave the house, really. I mean, honestly, I leave the house and all I ever see are reasons why I’ve been single for 7 years.
Elle:I am not against online dating services, but I strongly encourage Steve to get out and try to make his presence visible in public. There’s nothing like face-to-face meetings to help you land that girl – even if your goal is not a lifelong commitment. For Steve’s purposes, online dating most likely won’t get the job done. Get me?
Now of course I don’t know, Steve may be a social butterfly and out in public constantly. If so, I stand corrected.
Caliber:I dunno, here’s a guy who’s in his late 30’s, still a virgin, hasn’t had a relationship in like 20 years…I mean, girls don’t understand how nerve wracking it is for a guy to approach or talk to a girl in person. For some it’s a fate worse than death, especially if you have no confidence. I’ve been on both sides of the fence, having no confidence, a virgin later than others, into dorky shit, it just wasn’t gonna happen. Then when I finally gained confidence and all that, I became a lot less shy, but it can still be hard.
I mean, guys who are less confident, even ones who are confident, worry like hell when it comes to what women think of them. I imagine this whole being a virgin thing is probably his biggest issue.
As a woman yourself, how would you feel if there was a guy who was clearly picking up what you were putting down, and was a cool enough cat, but a virgin in his late 30s?
Elle: I would find that to be an immensely intriguing prospect. He has never had anyone to make comparisons, and he is a blank slate to enjoy filling. From my personal point of view, he would be the perfect pupil to teach to be my perfect sex mate.
Caliber:You think most women would look at it like that? A lot of guys think women want a guy who’s like a sexual savant. Guys feel SO much pressure to deliver in that area, I mean, immense.
Elle:I feel that way but I’m sure there are women who would look down on a guy for that. Those aren’t the kind of women a guy wants anyway.
As far as sexual savants – I think many women THINK they want this, but if they have someone that is too experienced or proficient in bed it can lead to insecurity issues. Basically, if a guy knows too many fancy tricks, you can’t help but think about how he learned them.
Caliber:Haha, yeah, see, I want a girl who’s had sex like, once, and that was it.
Really, I think the poor guy’s best course of action is to try his luck on sites like OKCupid, or some of the much better ones like match, or eharmony. Talking online, that’s all there is, talking. So, you really get to know the person, and I think that’d ease his nervousness. Make it easier to go on dates when you already feel comfortable with said person.
Elle: It won’t hurt to do those things, and if it makes it easier when it is time to be physical, more power to him.
Caliber:I can dig it.
Before we get to the next question, you’ve been an RN, a Registered Nurse, for quite some time, right?
Elle: For 12 years, yes.
Caliber:Alright, I gotta know, what’s the gnarliest/most amazing thing you’ve been witness to in your line of work?
Elle:Oh wow. That’s a long time…as far as what?
I had a woman whose whole abdomen was laid open after surgery gone wrong. She had straps holding her together. You could look down in there and see all kinds of lovely things. It was quite crazy.
I had a patient that tried to dispose of some old gunpowder by putting it all in a pile and flicking a cigarette at it. When that didn’t work he put his lighter to it and blew up his face and head. Quite a mess.
Caliber:Holy crap. I assume that sort of stuff doesn’t make you queasy?
Elle:Not at all.
I love wounds.
Caliber:Oddly enough I’m a fan of puss, like if a boil has to be lanced.
What’s the dumbest thing someone has done that brought them in?
Elle:I’d have to say that the gunpowder thing takes it for me. How stupid can you be??
I’ve also seen lots of people come in with broken legs due to getting drunk and fighting and falling off of porches or steps or whatever.
Usually fighting with a sibling.
Caliber:How about any broken hangdangs? I hear of that happening, almost happened a time or two to me, but I wonder if it’s ever really happened.
Elle:I have never seen such a thing but it is a known medical condition.
Caliber: It’s broken cartilage, right?
Elle:No. It Is actually a rupture of the corpus cavernosum. That’s the biggest cavity in the penis that fills with blood and makes the penis hard when erect.
Caliber:Does it just naturally fix it self, or is surgery involved?
Elle: I would think it is something that would fix itself if not too severe. But I wot self can leave a permanent curvature.
Caliber:Ooh, no beuno. I sort of side tracked us here, because who doesn’t love some penis talk, it’s just good discussion, but I have to ask that age old question before we move on, because you’re a straight shooter, and I imagine you keep good company and they’re straight shooters so you have a decent consensus. Does size matter?
Elle:Yes size matters. Every girl has a preference of either girth or length. But size does matter.
Caliber:A lot of guys feel like hanging around the average size isn’t good enough, which is evident by all the ‘make your dick bigger’ merch out there. My thought was always most average cats have nothing to worry about with most women, am I correct, or should I start shilling Enzyte?
Elle:Average is plenty. I’m just saying that is IS a minimum and that bigger is not a bad thing. On the other hand, there is also a maximum for most of us. At some point, it can just be painful and no fun.
Caliber:I often wonder what a guy would rather hear, that he’s just too buff, or that his dick is just too big. Either would be a cool problem.
Second question, believe it or not, came from two separate people, one a chick, one a dude. The fella, Scott, says he’s dating a girl who has guy friends, and he has a friend who tells him that that’s no fucking way. The girl, Melissa, she asks should she feel guilty for having guy friends, knowing her boyfriend doesn’t like it. She says that there’s nothing going on.
Ladies first, how say you?
Elle:I know there are people who will say this is possible, but I have to agree with his friends – there are very few relationships that do well when the girl has lots of male friends. Male friends very often become male friends-with-benefits. It just happens, as you become comfortable with each other.
Now what’s the man have to say about it?
Caliber:Abso…and I repeat….ABSOLUTELY NOT. No way, not in a million years. I’ve got shit for my stance on this. Guys who are pussies will say that I’m insecure, and I shouldn’t tell my girlfriend who she can and can’t be friends with and blahblah, fuck that, and fuck them.
Look, guys are only ever friends with girls because they want to date them, or fuck them. Have there been exceptions? Yeah, sure have, but those are so few and a far. I’ve never been friends with a girl just to be friends. Why? If a girl is cool enough to hang out with, then why not date her?
Now, some jack-offs like to say “Oh, you don’t trust her?”. It’s not that, it’s that I don’t trust him. I know any girl I date could handle herself if it came down to it, but I don’t want her in that situation to begin with. I don’t want some punk motherfucker thinking for one single solitary second that he has a chance with my woman. Yes, MY woman. She’s mine, like I’m hers. And no one deserves to even lay eyes on her, as far as I’m concerned, let alone getting close enough to try and scheme her away from me.
I mean, acquaintances? Sure, fine. But friends in the sense of hanging out alone together, lunch, dinner, whatever, no way, jose.
Do you feel that’s a possessive, or “cavemanish” way of thinking, as I’ve been told by these doormat types who try and tell the world that’s where they want to be?
Elle:I totally agree with everything you said. Is it possessive? Absolutely. But why be with a man who doesn’t care enough about you to worry about losing you? I also agree that any guy who is hanging out with a girl can’t be trusted not to make an advance.
Caliber:Exactly. Also, I know that all women aren’t like this, but I think the majority like a guy who’s a bit possessive, in the sense that they take such pride in the relationship and the woman, they like to let it be known that it’s/she’s theirs. I know that’s how I feel when I’m in a relationship, and how I operate. I also dig if it goes the other way, in that she’d have no problem telling some Jezebel to back the fuck up before she gets smacked the fucked up. But then again, I’m a meathead, so I could vastly be in the majority of our PC society.
Elle:I agree again. Most people desire that sort of attachment, but wouldn’t admit it in fear of looking bad. And of course there’s a limit. But we are talking about remaining in the healthy range of attachment, and that’s okay.
Caliber:Well, of course, I’m a gentleman, and I usually wait until the 3rd date or so before I demand a written itinerary of the next day’s plans, phone numbers of family & friends, and passwords to all social media sites & emails.
You know, something I have to ask, because the whole ordeal has bothered me since I was a young lad. As a guy who was raised right, I’m a nice guy. I’m nice to a fault, I can’t help it, it’s just my nature. Sure, I have a darkness inside me, and an edge that can come out on occasion, but 99% of the time, I’m super nice. Because of that, in my late teens/early 20s I was the undisputed KING, I repeat, KING of the Friendzone. I mean, I was the City Planner, I built the roads, the buildings, I sold the houses, I did the landscaping, The Friendzone was all me, with some fantastic tales to tell of it some day. It wasn’t until I got coached up that I was able to move out. However…
Most men aren’t that lucky, and I’ve seen so many get fucked with, because you nut-job women like the bad boy. The douchebag. So, my question is, is that something that just comes with age? Do most women smarten up? Or do they just end up settling for a nice guy because gravity has pulled them apart like silly putty and they have no choice?
Elle:I would like to think women get smarter but sadly that’s not the case.
Caliber:Haha, I was so hoping for my nice guy brethren. How about you, were you more into the Johnnys from the Cobra Kai than the Daniel Sans?
Elle:I was more into the Daniels, but they were never into me. So I settled for the Johnnys.
Caliber:Well, Johnny did have that sweet red, leather jacket. I always loved how during class, when the kids were sparing, one kid took down the other, and Kreese is like “Finish him!”, like he wants him to snap his neck right there. I gotta say, if I’m a parent and I’m there to test out the waters, see if this is the place for my son, I dunno how excited I’d be that the teacher is encouraging students to throw each other off the roof-top.
Anyway, before we wrap up, I have a question that a reader sent to me like a year ago, and I addressed in a video. He asked me if women are attracted to buff dudes. I said that there are some who will only date those types, there are some who don’t dig it, but the moral majority while they could probably take it or leave it, certainly don’t mind if their guy is strong & muscular. If anything, getting in shape helps with the confidence, I know it did wonders for me, and I do get more attention since I became the undisputed King of Fat Buff. What’s your take?
Elle:I enjoy a man who is in good shape. However, I don’t like the look of a man who is muscle bound, and I also find each individual attractive for them and not just their physique. So I wouldn’t turn away someone I found attractive simply because they were a little less than in-shape, or a little overly muscled. I think this is just like penis size – every girl wants something different.
Caliber:I assume when you say muscle bound, you mean like a current pro-bodybuilder and not Wolverine.
Elle:Yes. Overly blown-up.
Caliber:I get it, that’s why we can never be, I’m just too buff, too awesome with my muscles. It’s a blessing and a curse, being such a physique rock star.
Before we wrap up the debut episode, I thought it’d be interesting to end each ep with us naming a favorite of something. This week….
And don’t you dare do that “I don’t have a favorite” thing.
Elle:My favorite movie, hands down, is Clue. Without hesitation.
Caliber:Really, I’ve never even seen it.
Elle:Superb cast, excellent comedic suspense thriller with 3 different endings. Check it out, you will thank me.
Caliber:You’re not only the first person I’ve ever heard say that it’s their favorite, you’re the first person I’ve ever even heard say they like it. Not that people say it sucks, I just don’t believe most people know of it.
Elle:Now please don’t tell ME that your favorite movie is Rocky-skipping-in-the -surf.
It is an obscure cult classic.
Caliber:Haha, how dare you.
Elle:Oh, I dare.
Caliber:For one thing, that’s a beautiful moment in film, as Rocky finally out-runs Apollo, and has obtained the Eye of the Tiger! He can now finally beat Clubber Lang.
You finally found my gag reflex with that one.
Caliber:You treacherous harlot
Elle:Hey, I’m giving you kudos for finding something quite elusive. So take that “treacherous” part back.
Caliber:Mmm, and here I thought there was no way to flirt with that one without being graphic, so the kudos is all yours.
Elle:Glad to be of service. *doffs top hat*
Caliber:And no, while I adore Rocky III, it isn’t my all time favorite. Of that franchise, Rocky IV takes the honors, the movie that ended the Cold War. As far as all time favorite, we’re talking Boogie Nights. A movie where literally almost every scene is a classic, and does in fact contain what I feel is the greatest scene of all time, when Dirk, Reed, and Todd all go to Alfred Molina’s house.
Elle:I’d have to see it again. I can’t even comment knowledgeably.
Caliber:*clutches the pearls*
Elle:Really? Are you going all drama-queen on me?
I’ve seen it. I just can’t comment on it being your favorite without watching it from that POV.
Caliber:I’m just shocked. I would have assumed a woman of your stature, good taste in movies, especially something as cult-esq as Boogie Nights would know it pretty well.
Elle:I do. I also like it quite a bit. But it isn’t “Favorite” material to me.
Caliber:You’re not easy to profile, I’ll give you that.
Although digging a Tim Curry film, that fits.
Elle:Yes, I’m an enigma wrapped in a mystery, or however that goes.
Caliber:I do believe it’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle.
Speaking of wrapped, that wraps it up for the debut episode. If you cats have any questions, feel free to send’em my way, email@example.com. Elle, any sort of sign off you got chambered?
Elle:I’m good for now.
Caliber:Perfect sign off.